I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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