Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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