maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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