also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
