Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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