you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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