meet me or not, i'm out of control
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
