i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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