We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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