I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just puked most of my soul out..
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
