guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
