you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
