I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
