By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
