i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
