i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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