Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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