and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
