Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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