Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
