Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize