So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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