did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
