I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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