I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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