Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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