Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
