I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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