I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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