You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize