Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
