the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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