The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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