And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
