meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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