Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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