I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
