I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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