Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
home. puking in laundry basket.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
