Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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