I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
