I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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