matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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