Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
