i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Randomize
