Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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