i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
