omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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