I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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