can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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