my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
