You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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