My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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