brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
