if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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