My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
