I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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