I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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