she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize