I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Dick very happy bro
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
