I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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