I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
