I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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