trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
